My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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