So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
