Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize