i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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