you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
