Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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