Your face is a jimmy john
I am spending my child support on dildos
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
