Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
how drunk are you?
Several
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
