I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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