he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
