My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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