My girlfriend figured out who you are.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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