Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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