i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
