my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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