i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
