got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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