i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
