Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize