you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
