why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
