Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
