I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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