My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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