Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
