got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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