dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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