now i know why i became what i already was.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
