So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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