My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
