Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
