I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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