I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
