so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
