he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
