So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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