chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
