cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
did i just pee glitter
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize