At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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