My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
