A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
