she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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