Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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