Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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