Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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