You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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