It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
