The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Blood and glitter go together right?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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