i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
