Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
