I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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