I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
