Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
