Banned from zoo.
Again?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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