I understand why you refuse to be sober now
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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