Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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