I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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