Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
