feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The best revenge is premature balding
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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