We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
