i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
