i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
