Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
