I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
