you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
