im drinking this country out of the recession.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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