i need an iv and a liver transplant
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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