I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
