he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
