i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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