i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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