I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
