i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
whose parrot is this?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
