I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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