do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
