those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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