my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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